My Space (isn't that original?)

A bit about the last broken heart episode

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 23:58:52 GMT

I know I have to experience pain to appreciate joy and all that. I just really believe there comes a time when you have had enough pain and you deserve the joy and all the pain just stops. You're happy. Well you and your partner are happy together. I still don't know why it didn't happen like that for me and the last man I was with. What did I do wrong? Could I have made the outcome be different? I am SOOO confused! I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted almost two years. We never had a fight. Of course we never met face to face either, though I don't think that would really matter in this case. We were so perfect for each other. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed. We understood each other and supported each other and cared about each other. We spend a LOT of time together talking, dreaming... just loving each other. We said all the things lovers say to each other. We FELT those things. Well at least I did. My friend said he couldn't have or we would still be together. I don't know. It was one of those "the passion just died" {on my partner's end, not mine}type things. He still loves me and we'll be friends forever (like all my past boyfriends and close almost boyfriends or wanna be boyfriends). I guess I knew a few months ago that he didn't feel the same way anymore, I fought the truth and believed if I just loved enough... I don't know if he would have ever "dumped" me ... he might have let it go a long time because I know he didn't want to hurt me. Why can't people understand that staying with someone for the wrong reason hurts almost as much as leaving for the RIGHT reason? He gets bonus points for not running out on me and the relationship. He got a lot of bonus points! He was always "there" for me. He would come online right after getting home in the afternoon and stay online til bedtime. He would tell me whenever he wouldn't be available and why. He shared so much of himself with me. His work, his thoughts and feelings. We planned our future and talked about having a baby. Breaking up hurt so much but it wasn't gonna work. We had stopped being lovers months ago and settled into a very comfortable and loving close friendship that I hope we always have. But it still hurts. Not being his girlfriend hurts. Knowing we aren't planning that future together anymore hurts and the baby isn't gonna happen. We can lose that list of baby names. That hurts. I wasn't looking for him when we hooked up and I had been alone for nine years. I had dated so many men and none of them interested me enough for a second date. I still can't believe I fell so hard for this guy after being alone for so long? I set my {mate} standards so high that they were basically impossible for the mere mortal to meet. I had taken extra effort to make sure I was going to be alone forever. Til he entered my life. I didn't want to fall in love with him. One day I just realized I had. He had to convince me that we would work. I fought the relationship in the beginning. I knew it wasn't going to work. He finally convinced me otherwise. Well honestly I was so in love at that point it didn't take a lot of convincing. We had almost two years of intense togetherness that I'll always cherish so all is not lost. I knew I would end up alone and hurt in the end and I still wanted the relationship, so I got what I asked for. But it still hurts like hell. I still cry and go through all the pain of wanting to die and not have to deal with all that sadness. I am one of those women who love too much. I love with everything I have and don't hold anything back. He doesn't know what is missing from his life now. There isn't anyone who will love him the way I did. He needs someone to put him first, someone who doesn't have their own goals and agenda to work on. He doesn't know it yet, but he doesn't want to help his partner reach all her goals. He wants someone helping him ... someone who has no goals of their own or anything else that will get in the way of helping him achieve his goals. I was quite happy making him happy. All I wanted back was him to love me and be in love with me. When I stopped feeling he felt that way for me I lost all my motivation for everything. My business suffered and I just couldn't force myself to do anything due to my feelings of depression. Thanks to my friends I had a few someones there to listen and support me and telll me everything would be okay. I do think I made some mistakes in the way I allowed some of the relationship markers to settle. I find myself a bit more selfish when I define boundaries in my friendships. For instance I tend to battle with friends over time spent together and that just isn't something I would battle about with ANYone previously. If I felt I was getting shortchanged on time spent with me I might express myself, but not really make a huge issue out of it. Now I make it an issue. I suppose it's a small way I feel okay enforcing to make sure I get some of what I want? I'm also starting to flirt some again but only on a superficial level with friends (not potential boyfriends) just to get back into the habit. But what's really my point in all of this? I am not going to get over him, do I even want to? I don't think I could ever trust enough to be in another relatioship. Now my standards are even higher (One of my friends teases me that only 4 guys in the world can meet my standards... lol). Dealing with all the love crap... well all the relationships stuff.. lovers, friends, family ... all of it gives me something to do until I die.

Phil

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 14:34:41 GMT

Phil is another RuneScape friend that our friendship went beyond RS. He is a great listener and fun to hang out with. He sends me funny songs and vids and he demolished me when we played pool online (lol.. see I can admit it!). I've got a special place for Phil in my heart and will go to bat for him, so don't mess with him or you'll be messing with me. I could say so much more about Phil but he's a tad shy and I don't want to embarrass him. I'll just tell you that he's a great guy and gonna make some lucky chick really happy. Oh, did I mention how cute he is? He isn't comfortable when I tell him I love him, but I do, so I tell him anyway.

Reece

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 14:33:40 GMT

I met Reece through other friends and thank god he doesn't have a life! That makes him available to give me the support I need to get through my lastest broken heart episode. What can I say about a friend who will spend hours listening to my stupid childhood stories in addition to being my shoulder to cry on when I need one? I can say "I love you, Reece". I can also say thank you for being there when I needed someone and I'll return the favor gladly. He's funny and has an awesome knowledge of songs.He also likes to tease - he likes it TOO much. He's a nice guy though and invites me to sleep overs (virtually, of course) and here's a pic of him from one of the all nyters - you know, when you stay awake all night? lol

V

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 23:49:15 GMT

My first friend in Second Life. V is also my only female friend. She is the only reason I stayed playing SL and taught me all the stuff I know about building in SL. She's been a really great friend out of SL too. I changed my phone carrier on her advice and I've even borrowed money from her (RL) and paid it back! She's been there when I was sick with her support, information and advice. She's listened to my man trouble and offered her support there too. We've been business partners in SL and have talked about taking it RL if the opportunity presents itself. She is one person who reads my mind as well as I read hers. We click on so many levels. I recently introduced her to Reece who commented that she was pretty much a clone of me. He got that from chatting for just a few minutes with the two of us! She's pretty amazing and I love her bunches!

Kevin

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 21:22:12 GMT

RuneScape also gave me Kevin. Kevin loves me and is my self proclaimed "protector". If you hurt me, Kevin hurts you. I think it's wonderful most of the time. The only time I kinda don't like his looking out for my best interests is when he tries to protect me from ME! lol He tends to get on me and my unhealthy habits, but I know he does it because he cares. We voice and cam and he scolds me when I need it. I have chatted with other members of his family and he and his mum have invited me to come and visit them in England. Nice to have friends all over the world, now if I could only afford to actually go...

Kevin is someone I confide in about my "crushes" and one of shoulders I cry on. Even when he doesn't like what I'm doing, he supports my decision to do it. That's the best kind of friend. He tells me what he thinks, knows I'm going to do what I want in spite of his (usually) good advice and is gonna be there waiting when I've been hurt. He'll listen to me and cheer me up and always makes sure I know he loves me no matter what. How could I possibly NOT love him to pieces?

Jim

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 17:57:47 GMT

Jim became family by marrying into it. Jim is one of the odd ducks that every family has. He's quite strange yet loveable and been "there" for me more times than not. Just kinda missed the boat on some of the especially critical times I needed him to be there. I can't say it's his fault though because I consider myself one of those "high maintenance" relationships. One of the the times I needed him most was when my Daddy died, he couldn't be there for me because he had just started dating someone. Of course that caused some issues because I thought 18 years of closeness should have tipped the scales my way over the bimbo he'd known a couple of months. The fact that I had taken more than a week off work and stayed glued to his side during the time he lost his mother should have meant more than it did. All I expected was the support I had shown him. In all fairness I've hurt him deeply at times and he still loves me. I am lucky to have him to love and have his love. Our relationship is not perfect, but we love each other, have an undying passion for each other, like each other, enjoy spending time together and appreciate one another. Things in our lives have happened that has chipped away at the trust and respect that we used share, but we are a lifelong deal. We're family. We're also friends. We're not going to be over until one of us actually dies, and then I'm not sure that will even end it for us. One of the things someone has to understand about me is my loyalty to Jim if they want to be part of my life. This is one of those things that isn't negotiable. If you want me, Jim is part of the package. Might sound harsh, but real love doesn't end. People are not disposable and you don't trade them in for another model. You work it out, no matter what it requires and in the end it's worth it.Jim started off being my friend, we became lovers, got married, got divorced, were lovers and stayed friends through it all. Jim is a walking encyclopedia and trivia fact book. He's so amazing in as much as he can recall facts easily. Very detailed information is burned into his mind and retrieved instantly. For instance, he can tell you an incredible amount of information about a sports figure (past or present). Name a boxer from the past and he'll tell you how many fights, wins, losses, who his opponents were, how the match went round by round and often what the judges score cards were if it was a decision. He remembers the typical temperature and dew points for most of the world, population of every country and major city in the world and how every state has voted in the presidential elections from day one. He also never loses an argument and should have been an attorney. He is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I credit him for saving my life and sanity. We are what we are and work on becoming better at it. Jim helps me be a better me because he loves me.

Hugh

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 11:59:30 GMT

My best friend in RuneScape. Did most of the members quests with him. We fished a lot. Trained a lot and just hung out together a lot until he started spending more time PKing (player killing) and CW (Castle Wars) two of the activities in RS that I hate. We've known each other almost 2 years and spent a fair bit of time on MSN messenger and utilized the webcam and voice options at times. He has an incredible voice and is extremely intelligent which makes him interesting to the nth degree to chat with. There is so much to appreciate about Hugh. He has high standards and I admire his value system. We have a lot in common and we've had a lot of fun and laughed a lot. Interacting with some people just change you forever. Hugh has been one of those people in my life. I'm so lucky to have met him ... lol he actually rescued me in RS and became my hero! He is a gamer and he totally pwns! I think we'll be really good friends forever. Hugh isn't perfect and I don't like everything he does, but he is my friend and I love him.

Most of us have one...

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 10:40:07 GMT

Family! Where do I begin? I have one. Sometimes I even like the members of my family ... SOME of them! lol ... We ALL have someone in our family that we'd like to keep in the attic. Most of us have someone we can go to for help when we're in need of something. We tend to look to family members often if we need money, help with any number of things from babysitting to installing a new roof... and a FEW of us have a family member we might even seek advice from. Yes, it's true! This is NOT to be confused with all those people you are related to that OFFER it even when you wish they wouldn't (about 99% of your blood relation). Families are important. We learn so much from them. I learned as much "NOT what to do" as I did "helpful living skills" from my family :)

The best part of having a family is this: If you don't like your family, you can always adopt another one or create your own. It might not be "blood", but we all need that core group of people that we know we can rely on to be there once a year when we gather to devour the dry turkey.

My friends are my CHOSEN family

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 10:39:53 GMT

I have a family and I love my family, but I didn't choose them. My friends are my CHOSEN family. I care about and am cared for by my friends as much or more than my family, and they are so important in my life. Friends are not to be confused with acquaintances (people you know). Friends have been there, stood the test of time, offered their support, accepted you and your not so perfectness and you LIKE them in addition to loving them. I have few friends because these relationships require a substantial investment of my time. I am the first to admit that I seriously neglect spending time with my friends when I'm really busy. My friends understand this and forgive me and love me anyway and are (usually) happy to see me at every opportunity. Kinda nice to know that I have enough of a life that I'm not likely to wear out my welcome anywhere.

About this HELP category...

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 08:37:22 GMT

I thought it would be fun to post some questions or have an issue to post replies and opinions about. I'd like you to express your thoughts, but please keep it clean and try not to offend anyone? Thanks!

WELCOME

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 07:37:53 GMT

Hi and welcome to my MSN Space. I'd really like it if you looked at my HELP category and leave comments. This is where I'll post questions or problems or discuss some issue and the feedback received will "make the category"! I'll be adding more photo albums and more photos to the existing ones. I'll be adding a few more categories and more music lists. Still working on the Book List before I publish that. Rate my music lists and your comments are welcome and wanted!You'll see I like a wide variety of music... everything from Kitty Wells to Slipknot! I'll be adding quite a bit to this space, just not immediately. I still have games to play! Now for my words of wisdom... Love like it's your last day on earth, it just might be.

I am the product of love shared

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 05:35:56 GMT

Love... omg what hasn't been said about it? We need it. We crave it and do almost anything to get it. There are so many kinds of love.We have love for our parents, children, extended family members, friends, and the special people we fall "in love" with. I'm very lucky to have had the gift of love from so many people. I was a total "Daddy's Girl" and very lucky to have the Daddy I had. I miss him terribly. He taught me so much because he loved me. I've had some wonderful friends and their love has helped to shape who I am, as everyone else (family members) who's loved me. Make no mistake. Love IS a gift. It is something that isn't "owed", it's "given". I am lucky to have been gifted with love by so many people and I've loved them in return. Love is awesome like that. You get it and give it and it gets better and stronger the longer you give the gift to someone. I really can't think of a better way to spend my time than loving/showing someone I love them. Being "in love" is one of the most confusing relationships we experience. Who even really knows what it is? I like the description "Lust with potential" because it seems to sum it up nicely. I don't mean sexual lust, but that burning desire to be with someone, know them, share yourself in many ways. It's the infatuation period that fuels our desire to "tuff it out" until REAL love feelings take deep root. If we're lucky. If you're REALLY lucky, you never lose those exciting and intense "can't wait to be with you again" feelings for your significant other. It's the PASSION. Passion is often lost and when that happens, it is very sad indeed. Passion can be kept alive, but it takes effort. My last "couples" relationship ended because passion was lost. Love was not lost and we'll be very good friends for life because the love was real. I recently discovered that my love interest is the primary purpose of my life. Some may say that is messed up. I don't care. It's who I am. When I am not in a relationship, I'm not myself and I'm certainly not happy. When I'm in love I have a purpose in my life. I love being in love and sharing that intimacy with my significant other. That doesn't mean I will be in a relationship rather than be alone. Quite the opposite. I don't settle. I waited 9 years before hooking up with the most recent broken heart episode. Broken heart episodes are part of life if you want love. Love is not pain free, but it's worth the pain to experience the joy. I'm a product of all the love, the passion and the broken hearts I've experienced.

Introduction to Extremely Random Thoughts

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 04:50:12 GMT

There's no telling what you'll read or how easy it will be to read. This is where I'll just kinda type my random thoughts and publish without editing. You've been warned.

Photo Album: Friends

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 08:56:53 GMT

Friends

Phil

Reece

Hugh

Photo Album: Family

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 06:06:44 GMT

Family

Jim

Ryan

Custom List: Shopping

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:38:50 GMT

Shopping

Netrition
One of the best places to get many LC Foods and nutritional supplements.

Custom List: My WOL Places

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:31:03 GMT

My WOL Places

Low Carb Friends
This is where I hang out for emotional support and to learn more about my Low Carb (LC) lifestyle. I love the support there. I also try to keep a current journal.
Fit Day
If you really want to know everything I eat or drink, how many calories, carbs, etc .. how much exercise I do... go here
QuitNet
Excellent place to get information and support to quit smoking and STAY quit!

Custom List: Games

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:12:58 GMT

Games

RuneScape
Awesome MMORPG
Second Life
Another great MMORPG find out more here!
Yahoo Pool
Ummm pool, cue sticks, balls... ?
Pogo
Just lots of games!

Custom List: Required Sites

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 09:52:08 GMT

Required Sites

Pure Pwnage
Just AWESOME

Custom List: About this Space

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 08:42:04 GMT

About this Space

Read my WELCOME first please...
You'll find it under categories

Custom List: Fun Places

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 02:28:53 GMT

Fun Places

NEWGROUNDS
Funny Stuff! Check it out.
Knox's Corner
Claymation!
Fat Pie.com
Funny and Weird Stuff
Funny Junk
More funny pictures, movies, etc.