A bit about the last broken heart episode

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 23:58:52 GMT

I know I have to experience pain to appreciate joy and all that. I just really believe there comes a time when you have had enough pain and you deserve the joy and all the pain just stops. You're happy. Well you and your partner are happy together. I still don't know why it didn't happen like that for me and the last man I was with. What did I do wrong? Could I have made the outcome be different? I am SOOO confused! I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted almost two years. We never had a fight. Of course we never met face to face either, though I don't think that would really matter in this case. We were so perfect for each other. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed. We understood each other and supported each other and cared about each other. We spend a LOT of time together talking, dreaming... just loving each other. We said all the things lovers say to each other. We FELT those things. Well at least I did. My friend said he couldn't have or we would still be together. I don't know. It was one of those "the passion just died" {on my partner's end, not mine}type things. He still loves me and we'll be friends forever (like all my past boyfriends and close almost boyfriends or wanna be boyfriends). I guess I knew a few months ago that he didn't feel the same way anymore, I fought the truth and believed if I just loved enough... I don't know if he would have ever "dumped" me ... he might have let it go a long time because I know he didn't want to hurt me. Why can't people understand that staying with someone for the wrong reason hurts almost as much as leaving for the RIGHT reason? He gets bonus points for not running out on me and the relationship. He got a lot of bonus points! He was always "there" for me. He would come online right after getting home in the afternoon and stay online til bedtime. He would tell me whenever he wouldn't be available and why. He shared so much of himself with me. His work, his thoughts and feelings. We planned our future and talked about having a baby. Breaking up hurt so much but it wasn't gonna work. We had stopped being lovers months ago and settled into a very comfortable and loving close friendship that I hope we always have. But it still hurts. Not being his girlfriend hurts. Knowing we aren't planning that future together anymore hurts and the baby isn't gonna happen. We can lose that list of baby names. That hurts. I wasn't looking for him when we hooked up and I had been alone for nine years. I had dated so many men and none of them interested me enough for a second date. I still can't believe I fell so hard for this guy after being alone for so long? I set my {mate} standards so high that they were basically impossible for the mere mortal to meet. I had taken extra effort to make sure I was going to be alone forever. Til he entered my life. I didn't want to fall in love with him. One day I just realized I had. He had to convince me that we would work. I fought the relationship in the beginning. I knew it wasn't going to work. He finally convinced me otherwise. Well honestly I was so in love at that point it didn't take a lot of convincing. We had almost two years of intense togetherness that I'll always cherish so all is not lost. I knew I would end up alone and hurt in the end and I still wanted the relationship, so I got what I asked for. But it still hurts like hell. I still cry and go through all the pain of wanting to die and not have to deal with all that sadness. I am one of those women who love too much. I love with everything I have and don't hold anything back. He doesn't know what is missing from his life now. There isn't anyone who will love him the way I did. He needs someone to put him first, someone who doesn't have their own goals and agenda to work on. He doesn't know it yet, but he doesn't want to help his partner reach all her goals. He wants someone helping him ... someone who has no goals of their own or anything else that will get in the way of helping him achieve his goals. I was quite happy making him happy. All I wanted back was him to love me and be in love with me. When I stopped feeling he felt that way for me I lost all my motivation for everything. My business suffered and I just couldn't force myself to do anything due to my feelings of depression. Thanks to my friends I had a few someones there to listen and support me and telll me everything would be okay. I do think I made some mistakes in the way I allowed some of the relationship markers to settle. I find myself a bit more selfish when I define boundaries in my friendships. For instance I tend to battle with friends over time spent together and that just isn't something I would battle about with ANYone previously. If I felt I was getting shortchanged on time spent with me I might express myself, but not really make a huge issue out of it. Now I make it an issue. I suppose it's a small way I feel okay enforcing to make sure I get some of what I want? I'm also starting to flirt some again but only on a superficial level with friends (not potential boyfriends) just to get back into the habit. But what's really my point in all of this? I am not going to get over him, do I even want to? I don't think I could ever trust enough to be in another relatioship. Now my standards are even higher (One of my friends teases me that only 4 guys in the world can meet my standards... lol). Dealing with all the love crap... well all the relationships stuff.. lovers, friends, family ... all of it gives me something to do until I die.

I am the product of love shared

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 05:35:56 GMT

Love... omg what hasn't been said about it? We need it. We crave it and do almost anything to get it. There are so many kinds of love.We have love for our parents, children, extended family members, friends, and the special people we fall "in love" with. I'm very lucky to have had the gift of love from so many people. I was a total "Daddy's Girl" and very lucky to have the Daddy I had. I miss him terribly. He taught me so much because he loved me. I've had some wonderful friends and their love has helped to shape who I am, as everyone else (family members) who's loved me. Make no mistake. Love IS a gift. It is something that isn't "owed", it's "given". I am lucky to have been gifted with love by so many people and I've loved them in return. Love is awesome like that. You get it and give it and it gets better and stronger the longer you give the gift to someone. I really can't think of a better way to spend my time than loving/showing someone I love them. Being "in love" is one of the most confusing relationships we experience. Who even really knows what it is? I like the description "Lust with potential" because it seems to sum it up nicely. I don't mean sexual lust, but that burning desire to be with someone, know them, share yourself in many ways. It's the infatuation period that fuels our desire to "tuff it out" until REAL love feelings take deep root. If we're lucky. If you're REALLY lucky, you never lose those exciting and intense "can't wait to be with you again" feelings for your significant other. It's the PASSION. Passion is often lost and when that happens, it is very sad indeed. Passion can be kept alive, but it takes effort. My last "couples" relationship ended because passion was lost. Love was not lost and we'll be very good friends for life because the love was real. I recently discovered that my love interest is the primary purpose of my life. Some may say that is messed up. I don't care. It's who I am. When I am not in a relationship, I'm not myself and I'm certainly not happy. When I'm in love I have a purpose in my life. I love being in love and sharing that intimacy with my significant other. That doesn't mean I will be in a relationship rather than be alone. Quite the opposite. I don't settle. I waited 9 years before hooking up with the most recent broken heart episode. Broken heart episodes are part of life if you want love. Love is not pain free, but it's worth the pain to experience the joy. I'm a product of all the love, the passion and the broken hearts I've experienced.

My Space (isn't that original?): Love Stuff

A bit about the last broken heart episode

I am the product of love shared