My Space (isn't that original?)

I know I have to experience pain to appreciate joy and all that. I just really believe there comes a time when you have had enough pain and you deserve the joy and all the pain just stops. You're happy. Well you and your partner are happy together. I still don't know why it didn't happen like that for me and the last man I was with. What did I do wrong? Could I have made the outcome be different? I am SOOO confused! I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted almost two years. We never had a fight. Of course we never met face to face either, though I don't think that would really matter in this case. We were so perfect for each other. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed. We understood each other and supported each other and cared about each other. We spend a LOT of time together talking, dreaming... just loving each other. We said all the things lovers say to each other. We FELT those things. Well at least I did. My friend said he couldn't have or we would still be together. I don't know. It was one of those "the passion just died" {on my partner's end, not mine}type things. He still loves me and we'll be friends forever (like all my past boyfriends and close almost boyfriends or wanna be boyfriends). I guess I knew a few months ago that he didn't feel the same way anymore, I fought the truth and believed if I just loved enough... I don't know if he would have ever "dumped" me ... he might have let it go a long time because I know he didn't want to hurt me. Why can't people understand that staying with someone for the wrong reason hurts almost as much as leaving for the RIGHT reason? He gets bonus points for not running out on me and the relationship. He got a lot of bonus points! He was always "there" for me. He would come online right after getting home in the afternoon and stay online til bedtime. He would tell me whenever he wouldn't be available and why. He shared so much of himself with me. His work, his thoughts and feelings. We planned our future and talked about having a baby. Breaking up hurt so much but it wasn't gonna work. We had stopped being lovers months ago and settled into a very comfortable and loving close friendship that I hope we always have. But it still hurts. Not being his girlfriend hurts. Knowing we aren't planning that future together anymore hurts and the baby isn't gonna happen. We can lose that list of baby names. That hurts. I wasn't looking for him when we hooked up and I had been alone for nine years. I had dated so many men and none of them interested me enough for a second date. I still can't believe I fell so hard for this guy after being alone for so long? I set my {mate} standards so high that they were basically impossible for the mere mortal to meet. I had taken extra effort to make sure I was going to be alone forever. Til he entered my life. I didn't want to fall in love with him. One day I just realized I had. He had to convince me that we would work. I fought the relationship in the beginning. I knew it wasn't going to work. He finally convinced me otherwise. Well honestly I was so in love at that point it didn't take a lot of convincing. We had almost two years of intense togetherness that I'll always cherish so all is not lost. I knew I would end up alone and hurt in the end and I still wanted the relationship, so I got what I asked for. But it still hurts like hell. I still cry and go through all the pain of wanting to die and not have to deal with all that sadness. I am one of those women who love too much. I love with everything I have and don't hold anything back. He doesn't know what is missing from his life now. There isn't anyone who will love him the way I did. He needs someone to put him first, someone who doesn't have their own goals and agenda to work on. He doesn't know it yet, but he doesn't want to help his partner reach all her goals. He wants someone helping him ... someone who has no goals of their own or anything else that will get in the way of helping him achieve his goals. I was quite happy making him happy. All I wanted back was him to love me and be in love with me. When I stopped feeling he felt that way for me I lost all my motivation   for  everything.  My business suffered and I just couldn't force myself to do anything due to  my feelings of depression. Thanks to my friends I had a few someones there to listen and support me and telll me everything would be okay. I do think I made some mistakes in the way I allowed some of the relationship markers to settle. I find myself a bit more selfish when I define boundaries in my friendships. For instance I tend to battle with friends over time spent together and that just isn't something I would battle about with ANYone previously. If I felt I was getting shortchanged on time spent with me I might express myself, but not really make a huge issue out of it. Now I make it an issue. I suppose it's a small way I feel okay enforcing  to make sure I get some of what I want? I'm also starting to flirt some again but only on a superficial level with friends (not potential boyfriends) just to get back into the habit. But what's really my point in all of this? I am not going to get over him, do I even want to? I don't think I could ever trust enough to be in another relatioship. Now my standards are even higher (One of my friends teases me that only 4 guys in the world can meet my standards... lol). Dealing with all the love crap... well all the relationships stuff.. lovers, friends, family ... all of it gives me something to do until I die.

Phil is another RuneScape friend that our friendship went beyond RS. He is a great listener and fun to hang out with. He sends me funny songs and vids and he demolished me when we played pool online (lol.. see I can admit it!). I've got a special place for Phil in my heart and will go to bat for him, so don't mess with him or you'll be messing with me. I could say so much more about Phil but he's a tad shy and I don't want to embarrass him. I'll just tell you that he's a great guy and gonna make some lucky chick really happy. Oh, did I mention how cute he is? He isn't comfortable when I tell him I love him, but I do, so I tell him anyway.

I met Reece through other friends and thank god he doesn't have a life! That makes him available to give me the support I need to get through my lastest broken heart episode. What can I say about a friend who will spend hours listening to my stupid childhood stories in addition to being my shoulder to cry on when I need one? I can say "I love you, Reece". I can also say thank you for being there when I needed someone and I'll return the favor gladly. He's funny and has an awesome knowledge of songs.He also likes to tease - he likes it TOO much. He's a nice guy though and invites me to sleep overs (virtually, of course) and here's a pic of him from one of the all nyters - you know, when you stay awake all night? lol

My first friend in Second Life. V is also my only female friend. She is the only reason I stayed playing SL and taught me all the stuff I know about building in SL. She's been a really great friend out of SL too. I changed my phone carrier on her advice and I've even borrowed money from her (RL) and paid it back! She's been there when I was sick with her support, information and advice. She's listened to my man trouble and offered her support there too. We've been business partners in SL and have talked about taking it RL if the opportunity presents itself. She is one person who reads my mind as well as I read hers. We click on so many levels. I recently introduced her to Reece who commented that she was pretty much a clone of me. He got that from chatting for just a few minutes with the two of us! She's pretty amazing and I love her bunches!

RuneScape also gave me Kevin. Kevin loves me and is my self proclaimed "protector". If you hurt me, Kevin hurts you. I think it's wonderful most of the time. The only time I kinda don't like his looking out for my best interests is when he tries to protect me from ME! lol He tends to get on me and my unhealthy habits, but I know he does it because he cares. We voice and cam and he scolds me when I need it. I have chatted with other members of his family and he and his mum have invited me to come and visit them in England. Nice to have friends all over the world, now if I could only afford to actually go...

 

Kevin is someone I confide in about my "crushes" and one of shoulders I cry on. Even when he doesn't like what I'm doing, he supports my decision to do it. That's the best kind of friend. He tells me what he thinks, knows I'm going to do what I want in spite of his (usually) good advice and is gonna be there waiting when I've been hurt. He'll listen to me and cheer me up and always makes sure I  know he loves me no matter what. How could I possibly NOT love him to pieces?

Jim became family by marrying into it. Jim is one of the odd ducks that every family has. He's quite strange yet loveable and been "there" for me more times than not. Just kinda missed the boat on some of the especially critical times I needed him to be there. I can't say it's his fault though because I consider myself one of those "high maintenance" relationships. One of the  the times I needed him most was when my Daddy died, he couldn't be there for me because he had just started dating someone. Of course that caused some issues because I thought 18 years of closeness should have tipped the scales my way over the bimbo he'd known a couple of months. The fact that I had taken more than a week off work and stayed glued to his side during the time he lost his mother should have meant more than it did. All I expected was the support I had shown him. In all fairness I've hurt him deeply at times and he still loves me. I am lucky to have him to love and have his love. Our relationship is not perfect, but we love each other, have an undying passion for each other, like each other, enjoy spending time together and appreciate one another. Things in our lives have happened that has chipped away at the trust and respect that we used share, but we are a lifelong deal. We're family. We're also friends. We're not going to be over until one of us actually dies, and then I'm not sure that will even end it for us. One of the things someone has to understand about me is my loyalty to Jim if they want to be part of my life. This is one of those things that isn't negotiable. If you want me, Jim is part of the package. Might sound harsh, but real love doesn't end. People are not disposable and you don't trade them in for another model. You work it out, no matter what it requires and in the end it's worth it.Jim started off being my friend, we became lovers, got married, got divorced, were lovers and stayed friends through it all. Jim is a walking encyclopedia and trivia fact book. He's so amazing in as much as he can recall facts easily. Very detailed information is burned into his mind and retrieved instantly. For instance, he can tell you an incredible amount of information about a sports figure (past or present). Name a boxer from the past and he'll tell you how many fights, wins, losses, who his opponents were, how the match went round by round and often what the judges score cards were if it was a decision. He remembers the typical temperature and dew points for most of the world, population of every country and major city in the world and how every state has voted in the presidential elections from day one. He also never loses an argument and should have been an attorney. He is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I credit him for saving my life and sanity. We are what we are and work on becoming better at it. Jim helps me be a better me because he loves me.

My best friend in RuneScape. Did most of the members quests with him. We fished a lot. Trained a lot and just hung out together a lot until he started spending more time PKing (player killing) and CW (Castle Wars) two of the activities in RS that I hate. We've known each other almost 2 years and spent a fair bit of time on MSN messenger and utilized the webcam and voice options at times. He has an incredible voice and is extremely intelligent which makes him interesting to the nth degree to chat with. There is so much to appreciate about Hugh. He has high standards and I admire his value system. We have a lot in common and we've had a lot of fun and laughed a lot. Interacting with some people just change you forever. Hugh has been one of those people in my life. I'm so lucky to have met him ... lol he actually rescued me in RS and became my hero! He is a gamer and he totally pwns! I think we'll be really good friends forever. Hugh isn't perfect and I don't like everything he does, but he is my friend and I love him.